AUSTIN, TX Local man Kenneth Cochry, 27, has the distinctive Triforce design of the The Legend of Zelda series permanently inked on his left arm, despite not being brave, powerful, or wise.

“I wouldn’t in a million years use the word ‘brave’ to describe him,” Kenneth’s roommate Rachel Graff said right in front of him in an assertion of his blatant lack of courage. “I’ve known Kenneth since middle school, and that guy is an asshole. What? Will you defend yourself? Nope? I did not mean it.

According to those familiar with the situation, Cochry’s lack of courage, power, and wisdom can clearly be tied to his past. Compassionate sources say the weak and stupid coward still doesn’t know how to do his own laundry and can still be seen bringing loads home from his parents in suitcases every weekend.

“Kenneth’s mom and I really regret letting him get this fucking video game tattoo,” Kenneth’s dad Bill Cochry said as he moved his son’s clothes from the washer to the dryer. “If the child was good enough he would have him removed with lasers so he could be buried in the same cemetery as his grandparents as we had planned. I withheld his allowance for a few months for him teach a lesson, so I’m sure he’ll wake up soon.

“And in a situation with Ganon? He h. Don’t even get me started,” Bill Cochry added. “Kid is no time hero, that’s for sure.”

Kenneth’s future ex-girlfriend, Darby Patters, has publicly come forward and given her an ultimatum to turn her life around in three days or watch her go.

“Today is the dawn of day one. He has 72 hours left to pull himself together or I’m leaving,” Darby said as her boyfriend hurriedly drove off to warm up the car and calm his feelings. nerves.” It’s really sad what he’s become, honestly. It’s a shell of the man I fell in love with. He no longer has a heart. It’s also pretty clear that it all started with this huge Zelda tattoo mistake. I hope he gets some help, really.

When asked for a comment, Kenneth screamed and rolled over in a way that would have been alarming if it hadn’t sounded identical to how Link acts when he loses his heart.